I miss my Grandma.

I've avoided blogging about her since she died in January because most days I don't feel like I have the emotional capacity to do it.

Today is just one of those days though. One of those days when I think of something small that I would love to tell her about (my vegetable garden, the newest thing Ethan's learned, something that's going on with youth group), or I just think how it's the perfect day for a picnic (Grandma loved picnics), and I get emotional. Some days I can just smile and remember. Other days, I just need to sit down and cry. Today is one of the sit down and cry days. It's probably worsened by my pregnancy hormones, but I just plain miss her. I'm sad that the baby I'm carrying will never get to meet her.

We've been thinking about what we're going to do for Ethan's birthday this year. Last year we had a big party with all of our family - Ethan's aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and great grandparents. I was so excited when Grandma Connor told me she was able to come. She wasn't going out much at this time last year, so I didn't know what to expect. But, she came. She got to see our new house and had a great time celebrating with us. It was so special to me that she was able to be here. I'll really miss her at his birthday this year.

I hope that one day I'll be able to explain to Ethan (and the rest of our chidren) what an amazing, godly woman their Great Grandma Connor was.

After she died I asked my dad if I could have one of her Bibles. He gave me one that his dad had given to Grandma. It's an old, very well-used King James Bible and I have spent a lot of time reading it in the past 6 months. There are so many underlines and notes in the margins. It's so special to be reading from the Bible that she did and learning from some of her scribbles that she probably only ever meant for herself to see. At her funeral, my aunt mentioned that when they were growing up, every morning, when they woke up, they knew they could find Grandma reading her Bible. What an amazing legacy to leave your children. Since hearing that I have been making a conscious effort to spend more time praying and reading my Bible. Waking up early can be tough, but when I do it (and I've gone through ups and downs with it), my day goes so much better and there is just a sense of peace surrounding me. I'm so thankful to my Grandma and to the example she was of someone who was dedicated to spending time with God and thanking Him, no matter her life circumstances.

Grandma was healthy enough last Christmas (only a month before she died) to be out and spending time together with family, which is what she loved to do. She loved talking to each of her grandchildren and being updated about what was going on in each of our lives. She LOVED cuddling with any of her great grandchildren. It always amazed me that Ethan (always the squirmy worm and never one to sit still for any length of time) would always sit with Grandma. Even when she was sick and frail and I was a little nervous to put him up on her bed with her, I would try it and he would, without fail, give her at least a few minutes of cuddling, book reading, or just baby talk. It was so sweet and I always thought it was really neat how they just seemed to have some little connection with him knowing he needed to be calm when he was with her. I'm sad that he won't know her as he grows up. I hope in some way I can keep her legacy living and pass on some of the lessons I've learned from her to our kids.

I'm so happy to have this picture of Grandma and Ethan at her last Christmas.

Love and miss you, Grandma. Glad you're with your Jesus and with Grandpa now, where you so desperately wanted to be.

Music to my ears

Today I heard the beautiful sound of our new baby's heartbeat!

Despite all of the sickness and the utter exhaustion, this, the sound of my baby's life, made it all real to me. There is life inside of me....growing, breathing, living!!

We are so excited about the fourth member of our family! Ethan is adorable...constantly pulling up my shirt to "say hi baby," or "baby hug?" He shares his blankie, tries to give the baby juice...it's too sweet. I know he doesn't fully comprehend it in any way, but it warms my heart to see him already starting to be a caring big brother.

Life is good.

Waiting on Him

I'm reading "Jesus Calling" as part of my devotions in the morning and I thought today's was worth sharing.

Waiting on Me means directing your attention to Me in hopeful anticipation of what I will do. It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself. Waiting on Me is the way I designed you to live: all day, every day. I created you to stay conscious of Me as you go about your daily duties.
I have promised many blessings to those who wait on Me: renewed strength, living above one's circumstances, resurgence of hope, awareness of My continual Presence. Waiting on Me enables you to glorify Me by living in deep dependence on Me, ready to do my will. I also helps you to enjoy Me; in My Presence is fullness of Joy.

The Scriptures to read along with it were:

Lamentations 3:22-26
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Isaiah 40:29-31
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Psalm 16:11
You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

I really need to learn the art of waiting on Him - each day, each hour, in every circumstance. The second sentence of the devotional really hit me: "It entails trusting Me with every fiber of your being, instead of trying to figure things out yourself." I try to hand things to God, but then often take them back. I know that God's plan is so much better than mine, I think it's the control thing that gets me. It can be scary not knowing what's coming next, but what should be an even scarier thought is doing it on my own.

Today I'm going to start trying to wait on God "in hopeful anticipation."

Happy 1/2 Birthday baby boy!

Tuesday was Ethan's 1/2 birthday - he's 18 months old!! Wow, the time flies!
I figure that once a year isn't often enough to celebrate, so I usually do something special for 1/2 birthdays too :)

On Tuesday morning, Ethan and I made a birthday cake! He loves helping me bake - it's adorable. He pulls up a chair to the counter and starts opening every drawer he sees.

We made gluten free/dairy free/sugar free chocolate cake. Sounds a lil bit gross, right? It's not. My friend passed along this great recipe that uses black beans instead of flour. It freaked me out at first, but it's delightful! Check out the recipe here http://healthyindulgences.blogspot.com/2009/05/healthy-chocolate-cake-with-secret.html if you're interested. There are a ton of great recipes on the site.

Here are some pictures of our baking adventure!

After a day full of playing, napping, and A LOT of eating (he MUST be growth spurting...again), we all headed to Skedaddle - an indoor playplace in Milton. We had an absolute blast!

I'm having a hard time posting pictures these days, so I'm going to do it in a separate blog entry.

1/2 birthday boy cont'd

1/2 Birthday boy cont'd

After a couple of hours of play, we were famished!
Ethan had his first pizza (or zizza as he calls it)! Of course, it had to be gluten/dairy free, so we didn't join in the expensive zizza party...we went with sweet potato-black bean burritos.


Then came dessert...

Such a fun day celebrating our precious gift!

Happy Birthday, Momma!

Happy birthday to my wonderful mom!

Since becoming a mom myself, I have grown to love and appreciate my own mom in so many new ways.

I love that she puts family first. I love that I can just show up on a bad day and she knows exactly what I need. I love that she doesn't pretend she has it all together. I love watching her be a Grandma to Ethan. I love that when she says she'll pray, I know she will.

Mom, I'm thankful for the love you've shown; the tears you've cried with me; the thoughtful advice you give when I ask; the prayers you've said (many more than I'm sure I'll ever know),and the joy of being not just your daughter, but your friend.

Happy birthday, Mom!
I love you!