I miss my Grandma.

I've avoided blogging about her since she died in January because most days I don't feel like I have the emotional capacity to do it.

Today is just one of those days though. One of those days when I think of something small that I would love to tell her about (my vegetable garden, the newest thing Ethan's learned, something that's going on with youth group), or I just think how it's the perfect day for a picnic (Grandma loved picnics), and I get emotional. Some days I can just smile and remember. Other days, I just need to sit down and cry. Today is one of the sit down and cry days. It's probably worsened by my pregnancy hormones, but I just plain miss her. I'm sad that the baby I'm carrying will never get to meet her.

We've been thinking about what we're going to do for Ethan's birthday this year. Last year we had a big party with all of our family - Ethan's aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and great grandparents. I was so excited when Grandma Connor told me she was able to come. She wasn't going out much at this time last year, so I didn't know what to expect. But, she came. She got to see our new house and had a great time celebrating with us. It was so special to me that she was able to be here. I'll really miss her at his birthday this year.

I hope that one day I'll be able to explain to Ethan (and the rest of our chidren) what an amazing, godly woman their Great Grandma Connor was.

After she died I asked my dad if I could have one of her Bibles. He gave me one that his dad had given to Grandma. It's an old, very well-used King James Bible and I have spent a lot of time reading it in the past 6 months. There are so many underlines and notes in the margins. It's so special to be reading from the Bible that she did and learning from some of her scribbles that she probably only ever meant for herself to see. At her funeral, my aunt mentioned that when they were growing up, every morning, when they woke up, they knew they could find Grandma reading her Bible. What an amazing legacy to leave your children. Since hearing that I have been making a conscious effort to spend more time praying and reading my Bible. Waking up early can be tough, but when I do it (and I've gone through ups and downs with it), my day goes so much better and there is just a sense of peace surrounding me. I'm so thankful to my Grandma and to the example she was of someone who was dedicated to spending time with God and thanking Him, no matter her life circumstances.

Grandma was healthy enough last Christmas (only a month before she died) to be out and spending time together with family, which is what she loved to do. She loved talking to each of her grandchildren and being updated about what was going on in each of our lives. She LOVED cuddling with any of her great grandchildren. It always amazed me that Ethan (always the squirmy worm and never one to sit still for any length of time) would always sit with Grandma. Even when she was sick and frail and I was a little nervous to put him up on her bed with her, I would try it and he would, without fail, give her at least a few minutes of cuddling, book reading, or just baby talk. It was so sweet and I always thought it was really neat how they just seemed to have some little connection with him knowing he needed to be calm when he was with her. I'm sad that he won't know her as he grows up. I hope in some way I can keep her legacy living and pass on some of the lessons I've learned from her to our kids.

I'm so happy to have this picture of Grandma and Ethan at her last Christmas.

Love and miss you, Grandma. Glad you're with your Jesus and with Grandpa now, where you so desperately wanted to be.

Music to my ears

Today I heard the beautiful sound of our new baby's heartbeat!

Despite all of the sickness and the utter exhaustion, this, the sound of my baby's life, made it all real to me. There is life inside of me....growing, breathing, living!!

We are so excited about the fourth member of our family! Ethan is adorable...constantly pulling up my shirt to "say hi baby," or "baby hug?" He shares his blankie, tries to give the baby juice...it's too sweet. I know he doesn't fully comprehend it in any way, but it warms my heart to see him already starting to be a caring big brother.

Life is good.