I miss my Grandma.

I've avoided blogging about her since she died in January because most days I don't feel like I have the emotional capacity to do it.

Today is just one of those days though. One of those days when I think of something small that I would love to tell her about (my vegetable garden, the newest thing Ethan's learned, something that's going on with youth group), or I just think how it's the perfect day for a picnic (Grandma loved picnics), and I get emotional. Some days I can just smile and remember. Other days, I just need to sit down and cry. Today is one of the sit down and cry days. It's probably worsened by my pregnancy hormones, but I just plain miss her. I'm sad that the baby I'm carrying will never get to meet her.

We've been thinking about what we're going to do for Ethan's birthday this year. Last year we had a big party with all of our family - Ethan's aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents and great grandparents. I was so excited when Grandma Connor told me she was able to come. She wasn't going out much at this time last year, so I didn't know what to expect. But, she came. She got to see our new house and had a great time celebrating with us. It was so special to me that she was able to be here. I'll really miss her at his birthday this year.

I hope that one day I'll be able to explain to Ethan (and the rest of our chidren) what an amazing, godly woman their Great Grandma Connor was.

After she died I asked my dad if I could have one of her Bibles. He gave me one that his dad had given to Grandma. It's an old, very well-used King James Bible and I have spent a lot of time reading it in the past 6 months. There are so many underlines and notes in the margins. It's so special to be reading from the Bible that she did and learning from some of her scribbles that she probably only ever meant for herself to see. At her funeral, my aunt mentioned that when they were growing up, every morning, when they woke up, they knew they could find Grandma reading her Bible. What an amazing legacy to leave your children. Since hearing that I have been making a conscious effort to spend more time praying and reading my Bible. Waking up early can be tough, but when I do it (and I've gone through ups and downs with it), my day goes so much better and there is just a sense of peace surrounding me. I'm so thankful to my Grandma and to the example she was of someone who was dedicated to spending time with God and thanking Him, no matter her life circumstances.

Grandma was healthy enough last Christmas (only a month before she died) to be out and spending time together with family, which is what she loved to do. She loved talking to each of her grandchildren and being updated about what was going on in each of our lives. She LOVED cuddling with any of her great grandchildren. It always amazed me that Ethan (always the squirmy worm and never one to sit still for any length of time) would always sit with Grandma. Even when she was sick and frail and I was a little nervous to put him up on her bed with her, I would try it and he would, without fail, give her at least a few minutes of cuddling, book reading, or just baby talk. It was so sweet and I always thought it was really neat how they just seemed to have some little connection with him knowing he needed to be calm when he was with her. I'm sad that he won't know her as he grows up. I hope in some way I can keep her legacy living and pass on some of the lessons I've learned from her to our kids.

I'm so happy to have this picture of Grandma and Ethan at her last Christmas.

Love and miss you, Grandma. Glad you're with your Jesus and with Grandpa now, where you so desperately wanted to be.

Reflections of 2010...

This time last year, we were new parents of a beautiful baby boy, I was on maternity leave, and we were renting a house.

As we turn the page to 2011, we have a 15-month-old who keeps us incredibly busy and continues to bring us incredible joy, I own an online natural parenting store, and we own our first home! What a year!

Over the past 12 months, I have continued to fall more in love with Ethan and more in love with my job as a mom. I was made to be a wife and Mom – I’ve been saying this since high school, where my economics teacher would make fun of me and tell me I couldn’t live off of love….I’m proving him wrong. I have never felt so fulfilled and so at peace about where I am in life. I can’t imagine being back at work and leaving Ethan every day; I would be missing out on so much! I love that I have the privilege of watching him learn new things every single day – I’ve watched him take his first steps, learn his first words, and figure out life as a one-year-old. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I own a business! What the heck?! How did that happen? This time last year I wouldn’t have thought I had it in me…sometimes I still don’t know. But, with immense amounts of encouragement from my wonderful husband (and some incredible family and friends), I took the plunge and am now the very proud owner of ‘Lovable Little Tree Huggers.’ Starting my business has enabled me to share my passion for cloth diapering, baby-wearing, and natural parenting with friends and strangers alike; it has given me a sense of independence, and it has given me the opportunity to meet some great new friends and other stay-at-home-Moms. I love what I do, but most of all I love that it allows me to stay home with Ethan and savour the joys of motherhood.

Not only do we now own a business, but we bought our first home in 2010! After essentially giving up on the fact that we would ever own a home in the area we're currently living, things just about fell into our laps and we were able to buy a house that we have quickly made a home. We are excited about renovating our kitchen and powder room in 2011 and about making more family memories in our first family home!

As we say goodbye to 2010 and remember all of the excitement and memories made, I also feel a sense of loss and mourning. In 2010, a dear friend passed away very suddenly, sending my life into a cloud of sadness and many, many tears. Life didn’t seem fair. He was far too young and had so much potential…he was going to do great things. I grieved for his parents; I grieved for his brother and sister; I grieved for my parents and for other friends affected by his death; and slowly over the last couple of weeks, I think I have started to grieve for me. There are many, many memories that I look back on and am thankful for, but I feel like there were also many memories waiting to be created. As I begin 2011, I remember my friend. I remember vacations together in our childhood, I remember conversations with him that went way over my head, I remember the first time he met my son, and more than anything, I remember his laugh. I cling to the fact that he is with God and he is at ultimate peace…sometimes that gives me peace too. Until I hear his laugh again, I’ll remember his life, and in his memory I will cherish every day I am given.